Archive for the thoughts & chaos Category

That Familiar Melancholy.

Posted in Archive - All Entries, Reflection, thoughts & chaos on March 18, 2007 by meera

When I woke up today, I was flooded with a feeling that I felt quite some time back.
It had nothing to do with emotions.
It was more of an emptiness.
Maybe it was the weather.
It seemed like the day could not decide if it was morning or afternoon, perhaps, trapped between the two.
It was bright, but dulled by dirty ivory clouds.
It smelled as if it had just rained. Or actually, as though, it was going to rain.
Rain. And it’s fragrance. This time,  a little, undecided.
And it was familiar. Too familiar.
It was not a feeling of emptiness.
It was not even that.
It lacked even emptiness.
Escaping labels.

I didn’t feel like eating, but ate anyway.
I couldn’t keep still.
How strange. How familiar. How strangely familiar.
It’s a good thing I have things to occupy myself with.
I am working on a beaded necklace project, which I suspect is going to take me some time. Finally, after 4 years, got myself a Jewellery Making Pliers set from Spotlight. And then I’m into Book 3 of Lemony Snickett’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. And then of course there is my little secret project which I just can’t seem to draw inspiration for. I think I have to stop thinking too much about thinking.


Melancholy. Melancholy. Melancholy.


Worrying about Worrying.

Posted in Archive - All Entries, daily whinings, Reflection, thoughts & chaos on March 5, 2007 by meera

For the last 48 hours, the Highpriestess has been surviving on just one hour of sleep.
Yes, one little, precious hour of sleep.
Yesterday, for the first time, I thought I was screwed. I was even having visuals of my folks at work saying, “I’m sorry. We have to let you go.”
I was paralysed with fear. I slept at 1 plus. Woke up at 10 minute intervals. With an old black and white Indian film running on the television. Without my spectacles, everytime my eyelids opened, I would see a blur of grey and white and I would shut my eyes again. Hoping and praying that the Sandman will spill his crystals onto my eyelids and take me away to slumberland. But no. At three sharp in the morning, I woke up. I felt stricken with panic and fear and everything else quite unnecessary at three a.m. in the morning. Especially when my transport was going to arrive in 3.5 hours.

A little boy tried to calm me down and I finally panicked enough and exhausted myself, and knocked off at 4.30 a.m. Yes, one hour. One precious little hour. I have something very important tomorrow but am feeling very unprepared and unsettled about it. Although I just had a private conversation with the Gods’ and Goddesses’, I’m still feeling a little.. well, spaced out. I’m just going to trust in myself and in any greater design that has been planned for me (although I’m aware I still have some control over it, oh well, I wouldn’t know.) I’m off to bed now. And yes, congratulations to Drinkboy. I knew you’d make it.

Misplaced Arrows.

Posted in Archive - All Entries, Prose & Poetry, Reflection, thoughts & chaos on February 4, 2007 by meera

Communication breakdown.
With the most important person of her life.
The signboards slip and let loose,
dangerously hanging on their rusty hinges.
At the crossroads, standing there alone.

Wondering which arrow,
Points where,
That is true.

Time Machine.

Posted in Archive - All Entries, Prose & Poetry, Reflection, thoughts & chaos on February 3, 2007 by meera

I wish I had the key.
A golden key, that winds back time.
The delicate clockwork, that will stop with a click
And then slowly tick back.

I will watch, with quiet amazement
The past year of my life
Images of love and pain, laughter and tears
Of dark clouds and stinging memories

There will be doors that close and open
People who walk out and in
My life like a little storm
Bad weather- with tiny rainbows that show themselves

If I had the key, I will go back to the time
Where my breath got knocked out of me
Where my nights and days merged
And days became weeks that became months

I will stand there, strong and slow
Take each little piece and blow the dust
Piece it back to what used to be me
And sew up the burst seam that tore when I did

Very quickly and cleverly, I will do what I said
My life would be smooth, quiet and neat.
But alas, I have neither key, nor a strong heart
And its time now to….

Of demons, the future and pleasure.

Posted in Archive - All Entries, Reflection, thoughts & chaos on December 15, 2006 by meera

I’m sure the title caught your attention, but I’m sorry to inform that they aren’t really linked and this is not going to be one of those interesting posts. Well, they might be linked, but not explicitly, but oh well. Here I start to rant.

I finally faced my demons yesteray. It was very emotional and heart-wrenching but I did.
It felt like a dam holding back years and years of filth and guilt and unhappiness were released. My shoulders feel so much lighter, my soul feels so much cleaner, I suddenly feel like a child again. :) (when does that not happen with me, really?) But yes, it was over and done. And finally, I can face the future with not a single burden on my back.

I’m feeling very queasy about my first day at work. A huge corporation. Years of establishment. An epic-sized modus operandi. And me. A fresh graduate. With little work experience, finally facing the world. The corporate world. Where we work. Where we donate to a charity either voluntarily or unvoluntarily through CPF. Where we are forced to save in our little CPFs. Where we have colleagues- the niceties and the not-so-niceties. The diplomacy. The efficiency. The politics of the working world finally descends upon me, and I feel that I have over-prepared myself so much and convinced myself so much that the working world is throughly evil and life-sucking, that I have successfully terrified myself. Thus, the first day awaits. A mere four days away. I am terrified of so many things. I’m terrified of not fitting in. Of making mistakes. Of lone lunch-breaks. But most of all, I’m terrified of losing myself. I am terrified. But in a corner of my heart, I know I’ll be fine. I always will find a way to be myself without compromising important things. I guess it’s just the nervousness of embarking on a new chapter of one’s life.

That aside, I’m going for a much needed holiday tomorrow with my family. I’m really excited and I totally need some sun, sea and sand before I start work. Completely refresh and rejuvenate myself. Whee! Can’t wait to play with the sand between my toes and watch the sunsets and the sparkling blue water. I am feeling most excited! Nature and the beach in all it’s glory. Resort, here I come!!!


P.S: A significant date passed me by a few days ago. I did not forget, of course. But the significant thing was how I thought of you just once, with my usual mild amusement, and carried on watching Happy Feet. (just too cute, really. argh.) Mumble mumble mumble!

My Blog & I.

Posted in Archive - All Entries, daily whinings, Reflection, thoughts & chaos on December 3, 2006 by meera

My blog and I have a very peculiar relationship.
I have been through three blogs since I was seventeen. And they all chronicled different parts of my life. The first I remember was called CursedCrytal, hosted by DeadJournal. Oh, the angst-filled adoloscence. It was all about the A levels and uhm, yes, general angst. Of course this was way, way before blogging started to get hyped up. Before word-warring and the likes. It was just an avenue to write and write and write away all your thoughts and emotions.

And then. The second phase. Through University. Highpriestess @ Diary-X. That had fond memories. The last bit of JC through the last year of University. Different experiences, different thoughts and emotions. It was then blogging started becoming a fad, and I helped start up a few blogs for my friends.

And then. One fine day. At the cusp of my life’s culmination of confusion and mayhem, Diary-X decides to crash on me. Four years of writing, some backed up, some not, all swirled down the drainage pipes. It was so depressing. But it didn’t prepare me for what lay ahead.

And now this. Highpriestess @ WordPress. Through all my blogs, my writings have steadily gained a readership, but mostly close friends and passerbys. I have written a fair amount over the past 7 years and a few posts have recieved their fair amount of harsh comments and criticisms while some backlashed and backfired.

The reason I write is because I gain some form of relief through words. While a couple of thoughts are too private and find themselves password protected, most are laid bare, like my heart pinned on my sleeve. I have had well-wishers, I have had detractors, I have had friends who have found my writings too depressing. But, in most scenarios, I don’t slander. As much as the temptation heats up to splash names and condemn till I feel fully satisfied, I can’t stoop to low levels.

See. Take the certain blogger I harshly critcised recently. So many people can’t stand her. But it’ll be wrong (as Raji rightly pointed out) to ask her to censor her writing. But because blogs are viewed as publications, some discretion has to be advised, and thus sensitive racial and national issues should be avoided. That doesn’t stop her of course, as there are as many name-splashing, photograph-shaming as racial slurs on her blog. And no one stops her. They try, but they can’t. It is up to her to practise discretion and
avoid stepping on the wrong toes.

Now. Let’s get back to me. There is only one reason I ever censor my writing or remove posts, and that’s because of my family. If there are going to be repercussions that will affect my closest circle, I am not going to risk it. However, a recent post that has garnered a flurry of activity has left me completely frustrated and angry. It is good enough that I don’t mention names. But apparently it is not. The thing about blogging is this. I can lie if I want to. Write completely fictional stories if I want to. But why should I? I could have done that a long time ago. Or heck, I could have wrote a book.

There were two things that irritated me completely.
1) Comment by a particular Jade.
(I could re-publish the comment here, but because it reveals too much of information about the ex, whose present life is of no concern to me or to anyone who reads here, I am leaving it out.)
See, I invite criticisms on the material of the post itself. One could choose to disagree with me with what I write and try to introduce a fresh perspective. But the funniest thing happened, and through Jade’s comment, there is a suggestion that the ex fell in love with a friend. Something that I did not mention in my post. He might, he might not have. I don’t care. What I care about and what I write is what has happened to me and what I feel. Which is why my dears, please refrain from being know-it-alls, and don’t bring personal information into the picture. It is my blog afterall, and if I have taken the responsibilty to not act like a shmuck and claim that I know everything, do the same. Or as I suggested, start your own. I also do not appreciate inaccurate information about my dating habits. It sickens me to no end. Check and double-check your information. Don’t come trotting in here like a superb genius and spew nonsense and invite guffaws of laughter from people who know better. It makes you look like an absolute fool and is highly comical. Also, please keep your name calling such as Hypocrite, away from me. And don’t get sucked back to Primary School. If you have a bone to pick with me, pick it with me directly.

2) Pick the bone with me directly.
I am going to write this here once and for all. Do Not Piss Me Off.
I have edited and password protected previous posts because of some concerns, and I may do the same if your concerns are justified. But I do not appreciate anyone passing a message through my family to censor what I write. Please. Grow up. What? You need to run to daddy or mommy to allay your fears? Listen. If you feel cornered and totally maligned by what I write, tell your story as you like it. Do not come threatening me or my family that you might have to tell your version that might tarnish my reputation. Go ahead. Spew it all out. Tarnish my pristine reputation. Since you do have an audience that buys your trash, fine.  I don’t care! The people who matter to me know better, (and trust me they know you and the lies you’ve been telling and are waiting to expose you and gasp! that just might be my family. so don’t put yourself up again to look like an absolute nitwit) But here’s another model answer if people pester you about what I write that you/they have assumed to be you. “Huh? What is she talking about? Don’t listen to her la. Of course she’s lying.” See. That saves you trouble and me trouble. I don’t run to your dad complaining about your illicit behaviour, do I? So, correct me if I expect the same.

Ah. Off my shoulders.
The thing that frustrates me tremendously is people disturbing me when I do not disturb them. If my writing disturbs you, again, just don’t read. I mean, those who have vouched never to read me, continue to read me and that just serves to irritate them further. Why put yourself through all these troubles? Strike me off your list. Ban my address so that if and when the temptation strikes and your itchy fingers start to type in my address, your computer shuts down. Once you have decided not to read, stick with that vow. Don’t cause yourself and me unneccesary trouble. If you don’t like me, why are you trying to find out about my life? Don’t preach to me about what I should or should not write. Even Jade proclaimed that I typed “politically correct”. However, strangely, Jade seems to think it is hypocritical. Well. Let’s just say I am. I am downright hypocritical and all I write are lies. Do I malign and slander and shame? No. So please. Take it somewhere else. My family and I have so many important things to do and decide that we absolutely have no time to entertain this kind of rubbish. And bringing my blogging to attention to the ‘elders’  is immature. MOVE ON, darn it. I kinda regret blocking off that post after friends have told me that nothing there is finger-pointy and since it is my space, I should write as I please.

This will be the last time. Don’t make me furious, really.
Take your personal issues out of here and deal with them.
Open up a new space, or furiously type about how a particular blogger such as myself has irritated you. And wait for the comments.
Chances are, you’ll get something like, “If you don’t like it, why read?
I can be a brat and say hey, this is MY place and I will write what I WANT and what I FEEL and if YOU don’t like it, YOU can kindly take your stinky little bottom out of HERE.

But hey, maybe I should just say it. ;)

Growing up & Shopping.

Posted in Archive - All Entries, daily whinings, Reflection, thoughts & chaos on December 2, 2006 by meera

Other than certain events that have transpired over the past few days to completely irritate the hell out of me (I am so pissed, I could launch a canon filled with rotten pig guts and dead fish to a couple of faces), there is an important decision that I have to make about my life.

Ah. Choices, choices, choices that will change the course of my life.
I don’t know which path to take. The safer, stable one?
The little riskier one that I am interested in?
Or risk losing both?

I don’t like making decisions.
It gets a little taxing on the brain sometimes.
(unless it’s deciding on launching that canon. that’s an easy-peasy decision.) :S
P.S: How can I forget??? Drove to Vivocity with Mom and SH yesterday for the Grand Opening. Just to watch fireworks actually. But I am completely addicted to the place. Completely. It’s consumer’s paradise. A shopper’s heaven. A haven. Ok, ok, you must get the drift. The place is so huge and interestingly designed, I can understand what the hype is all about. Even before the opening, I was trotting in and out of the place to take in the new shopping-mall smell. Guess (Handbags after Handbags after Handbags!). GAP. Bebe. This new chic, easy on the pocket place, Fashion City. Bought a spanking new suit. Great for the work place. What else? Oooh! Body Shop! (a little small but yes.) L’Occitane! La Senza! And more! More! More!

Moving on. But yesterday was fantastic. An opening ceremony to match the place. The fireworks seemed better than National Day’s, and the view was unblocked and breath-taking, right above Sentosa. Yours Truly took a one minute video clip of the fireworks, only to accidentally delete it. (Ugh!) But there are a couple of few-seconds clips to compensate my viewing pleasure, but arghhh. Well, that’s about it. Time to scoot! (Oh no. Just remembered about that decision. Crap. I lost sleep over that last night. And I’m losing precious brain hours now. Crap.)