Own your life.

Someone much younger than me told me that some time ago.
To own my life.
To sit down and plan my life.
She made it sound like it was a bad thing that I didn’t know what I was doing and where I was going. And I was mildly offended.

Earlier tonight, while I hung out at Starbucks, something hit me. I’m leading a double life. And that is causing this disjuncture within me. I think I’m a lot like my dad. But apparently, it is societally inappropriate for a girl to be as outspoken, outgoing and well, everything else. I’m torn between being the obedient, good Indian daughter and being the free-spirit that I really am. See, I’m not saying that I’m going to run off and be a hippy and experiment with drugs and all that junk. I need to live my life. I’m turning 24 soon. And if not now, when, truly? I dont think my life has been rubbish. I learned a lot of life lessons over the years, and even if I had it my way, I don’t think I would go back to make things any different. They were life experiences. It’s the stuff that makes life, life. I’ve only become a stronger and independent person, and if I am left out in the cold, I know I will be able to get by myself. I’m proud that I got through all of that. By myself, but no doubt with the support of my loved ones.

I cannot stand that my whole life will have to revolve around men. I cannot accept my fate to live as a daughter and then as someone else’s wife and then as someone else’s mother. When do I lead my life? I only have one life, as far as I know. And how can I lead it only according to what society deems fit?? Surely all this education and horizon widening has to bear fruit somewhere?

I despise Indian males who claim that it’s only natural that the woman’s place is in the kitchen and at home. Pardon me, but what exactly is natural? Who determines what is natural when it comes to what women can or cannot do? Were we born with a “Made for Use in Kitchen Only” label stuck on our butts? We operate within a very patriarchal framework, and it sickens me. It sickens me that women like myself are torn between these two spheres. Biologically, we may have more to ‘lose’, but that hardly justifies the entire framework? If my generation does not start standing up against this modus operandi, where everyone mindlessly operates within this gender-biased system, when will it start? See, in this day and age, people are still questioning if a woman can be president. Actually, I think it’s sad. I think it’s very sad that people are still enslaved by the male-dominant ideology, and who truly believe that there are fixed roles for each gender. Really, they are slaves to the reigning system. And one can only break free if there is some sort of massive mental reconditioning. Power systems always serve a purpose- and that purpose is to always serve the ones in power. Think about it. So, over time, opinions become ideology and ideologies are believed to be what is natural and the powerful ones become more powerful while the weaker ones remain inert or worse off.

I’ve never been a corporate person. I’ve never been driven by money. I’m not saying that I want to live a pauper, god no, but I’m saying, I’m just different. Today, over amazing Frapuccino and Quiche, I tried for the first time articulating my thoughts, and they flowed. They flowed and flowed non-stop. I suddenly tried to put myself in context. Here I am, on this little island, on this huge, huge planet. And all people measure your success by is the size of your pay packet, the value of your private property, the flashiness of your car. I’m not like that. I would like to have enough money to have a comfortable life, eat proper food and when and if I have kids, to give them all they need to be able to grow up into well balanced adults who will be one day able to think for themselves and choose their life paths. But I don’t live for money.

I want to travel the world. Before I’m married. I want to live and experience different lives and cultures around the globe. I dont want to have to die on this small island without living the life that I truly wanted, and right before I go, I dont want the to have the only memory of making more and more money, and a baggage of regrets. Surely, life is more than this?

And this is it. I’m going to own my life. I don’t know how, but I’m going to do it. And if one more person is going to come up to me and tell me that girls are not supposed to be like this, I don’t know what I will do. I’m owning my life. I’m going to try to do this, slowly. And I can only hope that I will have the support that I will need to make this happen for me. The thing is, I subscribe to something very, very much: I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I’d just been myself. (Britanny Renee). Because at the end of the day, these people are not going to be there leading me into the afterlife, judging if I had indeed led a happy life or not, because only I, and only I, will truly know, if I had truly been happy, on my own terms.

(I re-read this entry, and I realised how incoherent the parts flow, but heh, stream of consciousness, I can’t be blamed.)


5 Responses to “Own your life.”

  1. Frapuccino and quiche can do wonders, can’t they?

    Much love Meeru, Godspeed =) I’m with you all the way on your journey. You shall own it in time.

  2. do what you feel is right.
    think about it
    you live your life.

    take care on this journey…

  3. Hehe, winds of change are blowing? The revolution has already began if you ask yourself these questions. It’s your life, do as you WISH!!! :O)

  4. =) sweetness.

    the trick would be trying to find a balance, i guess. =)

  5. You could travel the world even while your married Iff( if and only if ) your Mr Right is really the right one. All the best Sistaaaaaaaa…….

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