Archive for December, 2007

Heart & Caution.

Posted in Archive - All Entries on December 27, 2007 by meera

“When you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there’s no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

-Carrie Bradshaw

Season’s Musings.

Posted in Archive - All Entries on December 25, 2007 by meera

I’m broke, tired and lonely.
The only two adjectives that are missing would be old and cold.
How is it that my favourite holiday can bring such holiday jeer to my life? It’s quite fascinating, really. I read in our local newspaper that the holiday season brings bouts of depression to people because of the cold weather and because the what-you-dont-haves are exaggerated in view of the jolly, merry general atmosphere.
But then again, how is it that people who are blessed with so much feel such emotional dips?

As the new year of 2008 looms infront of us, many amongst ourselves may be making mental checklists of what we have achieved over the twelve long months of 2007, and what lies ahead. To be honest, I felt 2007 zoomed past too quickly, in a flash. It feels like years ago since I received my last proper paycheck and a relatively plump bank account. As I scrape the bottom of the barrel, I find myself wondering really how I had gotten myself in this situation. It is a phenomenon. The very interesting bit was adapting to a student’s life again. And living off your parents at the grand ol’ age of 23 (going on 24), is hardly something to be proud of. Next year, I am getting a real, real job. Something that will actually pay my bills and let me have proper dinners. It is times like these I ask myself how is it I had the courage to abandon that life, fully knowing that this was going to be it in a couple of months. I had to eat humble pie and ask for help, something that I try my best not to do in other situations. But since it’s family, I’m guessing it’s alright. The circle will evetually complete. I actually cannot wait for 2008 to come. 2007 has been like all years a rollercoaster, a relatively quiet one to the dramatic year before, but it still had its absolute highs and downright lows. But what matters most is that I have my loved ones right next to me as we usher in 2008, despite the drama.

The new year heralds much for me. It’s a brand new start. A shining beacon of light. (insert any other allegory you deem fit) For once, it’s a first time, in a long long time, I’m actually truly, absolutely single on New Year’s Eve. I have learned that this is not a bad thing. The time alone has made me learn a lot about myself and reevaluate what I want and more importantly, what I need. Nobody owes me anything, and likewise, I don’t owe anyone anything. Not now anyway. I’m keeping my heart safe for the moment. I need to step into 2008 with a clear, level-headed mind. Apparently, I’m coming across as unemotional and aloof, but it’s necessary. Consider it an investment for my future sanity. : )

What I am most excited about is moving into our new place. Having lived at the end of the MRT line on the East side, it is absolutely fantastic to have an MRT station right at your doorstep. I feel so much closer to civilisation and the journeys don’t tire me, and my make-up doesnt melt. It takes me about half an hour to get to Harbour Front. More importantly, I need the new space. And I’m loving my new room. It is nearly three fifths the size of my current room, but I am not complaining. It gives me an excuse to clear my old junk and make space for more. The family has bonded over the new place and we’re extremely thrilled. It’s coming along perfectly. Thanks to a few of my closest and dearest friends, my two major sources of wealth-depletion, ie. clothes and books, have been shifted over. Raji dearest commanded me to get rid of clothes that I hadn’t worn in ages. I’m going to write about space saving soon. I’ve learned so much!

Well. I think I have rattled on long enough. At this current moment, many things hang on a balance right now, and I have no idea on what note the new year is going to start. But I’m going to end with a line I heard on the cruise that I went for recently, and how true this is: You’re not here for a long time. You’re here for a good time. So get out there!

Cheers, and season’s greetings to all.

Today’s Horoscope.

Posted in Archive - All Entries on December 19, 2007 by meera

My Horoscope for today.
Straight from where else, but Facebook.

     There’s nothing wrong with experimenting, but certain combinations just aren’t mean to go together. A friend may know of someone who would be the perfect match for you. You may look desperate, but try asking around to see who is available. Keep your eyes and ears open for new and exciting opportunities. 

Right. Anyone knows of anyone? I’m a bit cautious of the word Perfect these days. hahaha
I’m off. Girly Sleepover awaits!

Sleepless Night.

Posted in Archive - All Entries on December 13, 2007 by meera

Her body is exhuasted, unaccustomed to this fit of wakefulness.
It is 4 a.m. and she ought to be asleep, but for tonight, sleep has been elusive.
Her mind a wanderer, exploring gardens of paradise and the depths of hell.
She swings between two extremes. A mental torture, this.
Her soul feels strangely empty, after having been filled, like a goblet of wine that runneth over.
How fast she has gone to barren and bare from lush, beautiful and completely full.

Stop, think, sleep.. and stop again.

Protected: Life. Dream.

Posted in Archive - All Entries on December 13, 2007 by meera

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Dilemmas of a Young Single, Indian Woman Looking to Settle Down in Singapore.

Posted in Archive - All Entries on December 8, 2007 by meera

At the risk of sounding completely and absolutely cheesy, I really couldn’t think of any other title.
I’ve been wondering silently in my head the past few weeks, admidst conversations with my friends and family, how does one actually find someone to settle down with, being Indian, being a girl and being in Singapore?
When you’re my age, it’s no longer so simple. You can’t afford not to be for the long-haul. (I just realised that I’m speaking for myself of course.) It is no longer an issue of two hearts. You have to do so much thinking. Compatibility, families, the future, etc. You can’t be happily dating people after people whom you fancy for the heck of it. You have to think with your brain, instead of just the little muddled thing called the heart. When you’re younger, it’s more of a case of finding someone your heart fancies, and then making it work. This time, another situation arises, that is, you find someone things can potentially work out with and then your heart starts to love and care for them.

See the thing is, I’m in my early twenties, and quickly approaching the mid-twenties (or am I there already?) It is quite terrifying, to say the least. And you want somebody who is going to be your companion. Someone you can share your life with, and at the end of it, to be able to talk to. So needless to say, he has to be on your same wavelength, plus he has to be a good, normal guy. (I actually blogged about this briefly in one of my protected posts, but I found it necessary to air my views on this one.) And because I am not one of your feminist, independent sorts I shall shamelessly admit, it will be good to know that he will be able to take care of me when I can’t.

The problem right now, is that there are very few, good normal guys around. Scrap that, there are very few, good normal people around. And does anyone actually know how difficult it is to find normal people these days??? And how do you actually filter out the oddballs? (See, this should also work in the reverse. For example, if I’m an oddball to begin with, then I will be filtering out normal people, so that I will find a suitable oddball for myself. Am I making sense?) Okay, I digress. See the issue here, is this filtering process. The people in the West have it a little easier I’m guessing, at my age. Dating. You go out in groups. You think you see someone you may be able to clique with and potentially fulfil each other’s happiness. And then you go out for that one lunch or one dinner or one movie. And then you realise that conversation is as exciting as playing rock, paper and scissors with yourself. And usually, both parties realise it, and you part cordially as friends or at the very least, as acquaintences whom you might later bump into with someone wayyyy better-looking than yourself, and then you start feeling awful about yourself and you just want to disappear from the face of the earth AND throw water on his face but once again I’m digressing.

Well, seriously. Now the other problem. Your parents want you to find someone. To find a good guy who is kind, responsible, educated, well-mannered, polite and be able to take care of you and your family, and who will make a good husband and a father. How do you actually go about doing all this without dating? People behave extremely differently in groups, in smaller double dates, and on single dates. They also behave very differently over the phone, over the internet, and in person. So how do you actually get to know people? But because you’re Indian and you’re a woman, you cannot date. Because it is societally unacceptable. (When I say dates, I’m talking about harmless ones of course! Not where you’re all over each other in public. I’m talking about genuine ones where you want to get to know that one person, and not every random Tom and Harry.) Even then, god forbid you bump into your parents, or worse a relative. Being seen out with a guy seems to be a crime serious enough to call for beheading and quartering. So in this case, how do you find this right person without dating? Go out in groups and then just narrow him down, and ta-da, you become a couple? It is more difficult than said.

So what exactly are expected from women like us? Do we then, just settle down for arranged marriages? Or find someone for yourself without dating? (I dont see how this is humanly possible) You see, the very tricky thing here is that most of us, my generation at least, are treading that very complex third space between the spheres of modernity and tradition. It is almost as if parents want us to find someone, but to skip the whole process magically, and present their potential son-in-law all wrapped up with a red and gold lined ribbon. “I don’t want to know how you got here, or how you found him, and I shall pretend that you never saw this guy out alone, but thank you for finding someone good and responsible without getting to know him properly first.” I wish it was that simple.

The worst bit is I’m not getting any younger! And this very stark fact has hit my head a few times. And the thing is, I’ve never been the one to put career on top of everything else. My success in life would depend on whether I can have a happy family. And I digress. Sure. I can be in an arranged marriage. But what if that turns out to be a mistake? Who do you blame? Fate & destiny? I’m not arguing a case here for love marriages. I’m just wondering how does one actually go about looking for the right person without stepping on any toes? Do you date, and play hide and seek? And playing hide and seek at this age, just seems so wrong. Or do you just settle down for the arranged marriage? While I’m not against arranged marriages, this will definitely be a last resort. When my resources have been exhausted and I have not been able to find anyone who can put up with me. But how does on go about finding this someone while pretending you are not dating so you eventually end up lying? The problem with me is that other than the extremely personal aspects of my life, I want my folks to know who I’m with and where I’m at. Supposedly, this is a totally wrong approach as you make parents end up worrying, and ignorance for them, would be bliss. But not for me! Or are there any other plausible solutions?

Argh. I’m so flustered.

I have run out of things to rant about, so I shall stop.

Another today.

Posted in Archive - All Entries on December 7, 2007 by meera

Bad paper today.
Very bad. Am very upset, but am trying my best not to show it.
Somehow, through the middle of the paper, I was overwhelmed with the feeling of self-sabotage.
My gut is just not feeling too good right now.
Excuse me while I throw up.