Of Terrifying Transitions & Fantastic Fairy Rings.

I’m terrified. I’m going through a transition, and I’m wondering if I can deal with it.
I cannot fathom what could have possessed me to pursue a Masters degree without a scholarship or at least, some solid savings.
I’m feeling so alone, and terrified.
I feel like throwing up.
I’m in half a mind to actually tell my Uni, “forget it”, and keep my job. Well, of course not in the same branch (since my incumbent is already here), but at least within the company. It was so depressing stripping my cubicle of my personal stuff. Scrapbook sheets, photographs, miniature fairies and unicorns, badges and nametags… It was so depressing. I had to choke back tears and just pretend to be my loony self. My incumbent was telling my boss that I’m a great teacher and that she could see I loved my job. Well I do. It fills me with pride.

We went out for a branch outing today, and I realised just how much I was going to miss these people. This was exactly what I was afraid of. Settling into a comfortable 8-5er and letting other opportunities go. But still? My life would have been more or less fixed. Now I’m entering the whole realm of school again, with minimum allowance (which is not even confirmed, by the way), and it is nothing short of terrifying. And lonely. Very, very lonely. I wish I had someone here to hold my hand and tell me it will all be okay, and won’t let go. Alas. Adulthood does not seem to very helpful. Fellow adults will scoff at my need for a helping hand, but I’m sorry, I’m terrified and am not ashamed of it. My heart feels like a gaping hole.

On a lighter note (that does nothing much to lift this somber mood), I bought 6 VCDs for 24 bucks. VideoEZ was having a clearance sale. I throughly checked the undersides of each VCD to ensure they were clear of scratches, with the help of SH albeit his patience being slightly tested. =) I got My Super ExGirlfriend, Little Miss Sunshine, Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason, Haven, Babel and Wicker Park. I’m planning to watch them in between reading my Literature texts and stoning at home. My stomach is doing backflips again. What a familiar feeling. Well, I ought to go. Should be back. Sometime soon. I guess. I’m off.

 P.S: I’ve been noticing circle rings of mushrooms everywhere. The fairies have come to play!!! I’m excited. =)

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8 Responses to “Of Terrifying Transitions & Fantastic Fairy Rings.”

  1. *holds meera’s hand*

    As someone who has been through it & still is, for the last 4 years and counting, I understand and can relate to your loneliness (it is god-awful)and your fear (many sleepless, tearful, solitary nights for me), but am here to tell you that it is not impossible & the rewards you reap will give you a sense of accomplishment unsurpassed by anything else you’ve done in your life.

    *hug*

    Some things are just so worth that extra struggle :)

  2. =)
    thanks sweetheart… that meant a lot. and made me cry too. (lately, a lot of things seem to have this effect on me.) i’m going to slap myself very hard. repeatedly.

  3. Phoenix Says:

    *holds meera’s other hand down*

    There will be no slapping of selves.

    Ya, as I wrote that, my eyes started watering too :(

    Chin up darling. This is something to be proud of.

  4. you know with the whole obsession with fairies and such,
    I kinda read that as, “There will be no slapping of elves.”
    Kinky, there.

    hahahaha =P
    I’m hoping I’m gonna be proud instead of battered up, but time will tell! As always.

  5. ranjini Says:

    Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real, when you woke up you didn’t know what to believe? What would you do if what you thought was true, wasn’t? And what you thought wasn’t true, was? Would you retreat into your dreams with the hope of finding a more perfect reality?

    Sometimes life is strange in that dream. And the only way to wake up is to face what lies hidden in your self. And you can only hope that in those moments of dark reflection, that you are not alone. And i know that u r not alone. You have friends to count on. You have me too.

    *big hugs*

  6. ranjini: thanks love. yes. this whole dream & reality thing has happened to me quite a few times. too many times for my own good actually. *hugs right back*

  7. Aahhhh I love the movies you bought. Where did you get them at? Its soo worth it.

  8. jini: i know! it was really worth it, wasn’t it?? I got it at this VideoEZ clearance sale at this little mini-mall near my place, Loyang Point. But I think most VideoEZ(Y?) outlets have such clearance sales. You may want to look out the next time you walk by. ;)

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