Archive for April, 2007

Confronting the Choices that will Change the Path of My Life.

Posted in Archive - All Entries on April 29, 2007 by meera

I’m all of twenty-three.
I feel old, and young at the same time.
And I have been confronted with a very difficult choice to make, and it is getting increasingly difficult as my brain tries to sort these issues out and navigate the way.
As a fresh graduate, you start off with high hopes and brace yourself for disappointments, but somehow over the course of months of job-hunting, you realise that the world cannot be seen in rose-tinted glasses. So, what happens next? A cushy job comes along. A comfortable, secure job comes a long, and you take it. And this is where my predicament starts. I love my job. I like what I’m doing, but I don’t see myself here in the next 5 years. It’s not something I’ve always wanted to do since I was a kid, but it is enough, if you know what I mean.

Yesterday, a proposition was made to me. An offer. It’s in the private sector, and it certainly does not guarantee a stable income, but I know that at least, I will have personal freedom there. It’s by no means an easy job. It’s not as mind-numbing as what I am doing now. It’s exciting. It’s dynamic. It’s fairly new territory that I have been exposed to previously, but now it is a far too tempting offer. And this time, my parents have given their blessings. And I am torn. Only 1/2 a year through my job, and I have already set up a comfort zone which I swore not to have. But things happen.

At 23, do you settle for the first cushy thing that comes around? Or do you keep looking? Suddenly, the answer seems more obvious. I do have no commitments at the current moment, but in a stable job, you have steady income and the money comes in every month without fail. No worries. How is it that I used to be a creature that refused to be trapped in society’s expectations? The typical- Graduate, Civil Servant, Car, HDB route that I loathed. How is it that suddenly,I find it difficult to break out of this comfort zone? That I don’t hate this typical route anymore. It’s frightening.

Occasionally at work, I find something stirring in me. The self-questioning. The contemplation. The quintessential “Why am I here?” question. Because I know that there are some very dear friends out there, tell me, if you were in a similar situation.. what would you do? I know what I should do.. but asking what I would do seems to give an entirely different picture… Why this difference?

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Smirkers.

Posted in Archive - All Entries on April 28, 2007 by meera

Sudden Rush of Annoyance:

Honestly, he seriously has to wipe that stupid smirk off his face.
It is annoying.
Very, very annoying.
Not to me alone, but to a lot of other people.
And when I say a lot, I really mean a lot.
The guts and the audacity.
I mean one has to earn a certain standard in society to be allowed to smirk in public and get away with it, at the least?
But what I don’t understand is him.
This random person in the world wide society. Who is a certified zero hero. Who thinks it’s his birthright to smirk.
Smirkers… Annoyances.

Vent over.

Ordinary People

Posted in Archive - All Entries on April 26, 2007 by meera

Lately, I haven’t been inspired to write.
I don’t know why, even though I have been inspired by so many things, and have seen some of the most beautiful things.
And lately, I’ve been feeling melancholic.
It’s strange.
Well, a very nice song here.
Let it load fully, it’ll be worth the wait. :)

Indian Cultural Shows.

Posted in Archive - All Entries on April 22, 2007 by meera

I have been involved in a few of the above-mentioned and it has always been fun, especially if your organising committee are committed and are a good bunch of friends outside of school. Fun aside, tons of hard work and blood and sweat goes into it, not forgetting the pinch of politics. When it comes to shows that I have been part of, I have no problem walking up and down and just being another organiser in a saree. But when it comes to attending an event like this organised by another school, I get a little nervous and jittery. Yesterday, I attended a similar event after eons because we were given complimentary tickets.

It has always been this case. My jitter-struck nerves. I’m not sure why. I’m 23, and quite far from the heart of politics. I mean, my time has come and gone. But, then you realise that the Indian committee is so small. You see a familiar face that you’re not sure whether you should acknowledge or just pretend you did not see. Just as my lips nearly parted into a smile with the accompanying nod well on its way, something struck me and I realised that even though years may have passed, it was not really the same. And it may not be. Afterall, we were just acquaintances. But then, when do we grow up? Maybe ten years down the road, we may be able to not pretend that we have not seen each other again.

Anyway. So as I was saying. Indians generally make me nervous. Even though about 2/3 of the people there were younger than me. I tried not to make eye contact and just swept my gaze on the shiny tiled floors. Once in a while, there were the occasional handshakes and friends from the past of the past. That was the nice bit. The show was pretty alright but unfortunately at the expected time it was supposed to have drawn to a close, the end was hardly in sight, and we had to make a mad dash for a birthday chalet.

I don’t like leaving shows early. It is disruptive and there is a high risk of tripping over an invinsible stair and breaking your neck and severely handicapping any remaining shred of dignity. I must say, the Chinese boy ushering at the auditorium was extremely polite and friendly, and guided us out of the highly hostile auditorium, complete with shaky stairs and dim lighting. (duh, it’s an auditorium) ;) But I still don’t like walking out of shows early, and worse, having to retrace your steps after realising that firstly, one way out involved a majestic walk along the front of the stage infront of the entire auditorium and secondly, the other way was through a door which was almost right behind our seats at the back of the auditorium. So it was, the disruptive creak-creak up the aisle again alongside the seated audience.

I know I am supposed to be blogging about the big date. (which went perfectly well, by the way) But that will come later. I am highly disturbed and disappointed with certain happenings at the chalet yesterday, and am really not in the mood. Today, I’m just going to take a breather and enjoy my lazy normal Sunday. Perhaps, a tall glass of sparkling lemonade, a game of Scrabble, some tamil movie running in the background, and my trusted Lemony Snicket Book. I’m at Book 9 and I can’t stop reading. On the same note, I am aware that my Snicket series is soon coming to an end, and now I’m looking for serial books as well. I saw this Disney The Annette Mysteries series at Popular and promptly grabbed it. It had four books designed with beautiful vintage art and the price was excellent. Ahh. Books, books, books. :) Well, I’m off to enjoy my lazy Sunday.

Ta!

Muse & Musing.

Posted in Archive - All Entries on April 20, 2007 by meera

Something nice a mysterious-poet friend did for me.

I need to learn how to use photoshop.

Thank you, myserious poet friend. 

muse.jpg

 P.S: Highpriestess is having pre-date excitement and jitters. :)

Ramble & Thoughts of an Unorganised Mind.

Posted in Archive - All Entries on April 18, 2007 by meera

Okay. I want to blog, but I don’t know where to start. So I’m just going to go on and on and on. Firstly, I am very disturbed about the boy who went on a killing spree. He is an English major and it is terrifying that his writings actually reflected the thread of violence that ran in him, but that was not just a thread, but an overarching threat to both himself and his schoolmates. I wonder what my writings will reveal. Probably a real indecisive, emotional, drama-princess who tries to act mature once in a while. That’s not nice.

 Secondly, work is really stressing me out. I spent  the whole day in my Boss’s office, helping her with some paper. And my work is just piling up. But it’s alright, I can manage. I am a big girl. And my boss actually seemed happy with me, so that’s a good thing.

 Thirdly, age is catching up with me. My turkey-flap arms have expanded enough to brush against my body when I relax my arms by my side. My double-chin has developed enough and is now a significant geographical feature on my face. The white hair is very white and shiny and is right above my hairline on my forehead.  My butt has expanded beyond its enormous capacity. I am becoming an aunty. That is what I am becoming. I am becoming an Indian Aunty. I will wear those Batik “house coats” and walk around. ARGHHHHH noooooooooooooo. THE HORROR!!! Do something Meera! DO SOMEthing! (Exercise, perhaps? Hmm.)

 Fourthly, it’s nice to have discounts here there and everywhere. Got a free bottle of Olive Glossing Shampoo from Body Shop. Whee.

 Fifthly, I am very excited. I have quite a few High Key social events lined up for the next one week, and one of it is a surprise that I am actually planning for SH! I am having a hard time not telling him anything. And a hard time of not spilling the beans here either. ARGHH. I have a very pretty cocktail dress with the loveliest, loveliest heels, pictures of which I shall release soon. arghhhh. I can’t wait!

 Sixthly, I need to sleep early. Goodnight!

Growing Up

Posted in Archive - All Entries, Reflection on April 15, 2007 by meera

Firstly, thank you all for all your comments. I am indeed blessed. My dear friends who worked themselves up into a worry over my puzzling entries. You know what you all are? Rock solid. That’s what you all are. Rock solid and unwavering and I love all of you so, so much. Thank you. What follows is a rather lengthy reflection of my life and certain points of self-realisation that I have to do for myself.

Just experienced a little rollercoaster ride in my personal life, but I am happy to report that it is back on track.
Something has been happening lately. It’s not the physiological changes like the appearance of a few strands of white hair, or my expanding waistline or the transformation of my upper arms to turkey flab that moves like jelly when I wave over-enthusiastically. It is more emotional. And more mental. I think I am wanting to settle down. I want some stability. I don’t want to be angsty or angry or emotionally wrecked. I just want to be.. settled. Not static, but just settled. I’m thinking it’s part of growing up, but the strange thing is that it seems to have happened overnight. Well, perhaps, I have been changing gradually but the realisation of it just hit me.

A few things happened over the week that made me realise how far I have come as a person. Compromises, sacrifices, negotiation, a calm-head, tantrum-freedom. I have finally understood the importance of all of these. I have put up with things I would have not put  up with. I try to rationalise. And most importantly, I try to mend and heal and change. mirrorastridchesney.jpgChanging one’s self is not an easy thing. To look yourself in the mirror with a very harsh and self-critical eye is something that not all of us can do. And even if we did, it is much easier to dismiss those thoughts and get back to our humdrum lives. I’m not talking about pessimism or self-defeating negative thoughts, but things that you know you can change for yourself, that you can change for the better.

As I grew up, I have constantly heard my parents chide me for being stubborn. It’s probably the one word that I have heard most through my childhood, and even now on occasion. And it is true. I am quite hard-headed and obstinate. I wish to think it’s a trait I have inherited from my dad, and I know it is quite true. Why, even my mother has a vein of obstinance. Very often, I catch glimpses of my father in myself. And this is what I believe is self-realisation. I get upset with my father for precisely the same things that he gets upset with me. Well. I digress. Over the past two months, I realised what I wanted in my life, and I want it to work, and I have been putting in effort to make it work. Even if it means compromise or sacrifices or huge doses of understanding. The first signs of maturity.

The next. Today, I received a letter from CPF, informing me of repaying my Education loan back to my parents’ CPF account. For those who are not familiar with this, the average Singaporean student can use his parents’ CPF to pay for his tertiary education first. It is a loan, and a year after you graduate (can you imagine, it has been a whole year since I received the scroll and mortar board) CPF sends you the abovementioned letter reminding you of your loan and instructing you on GIRO proceedings. The parents’ can opt to waive the payment, but even then, I would not allow that. Firstly, nothing beats the feeling of having paid for your own education. Secondly, the money is theirs. Thirdly, no amount of money is going to repay the years of love, support and understanding that my parents have put into building this family. The monthly repayment is not exactly a huge sum of money, but it is still a significant figure (you will understand if you have just started your career at entry level)

pay.jpgAt first, I grumbled, having to deal with this loan months into getting my fixed salary. But hey, this is merely a snapshot of what is to come. The car, the house, the furniture, the gadgets… etc etc. It is frightening, but this is life. The thing that amazes me is that I am actually coming to terms with it, coming to full acceptance. A year back, I would have flown to Fairyland with my sparkling wings and would refuse to come back. But now? I’m trying to see how I can manage my finances better.

I think I have had a whale of a time with my pay the past few months with not much commitment on my hands. It is a completely different feeling to have your own hard-earned money to spend, and I enjoyed that freedom. But now comes responsibility, and as harsh as reality is, I feel happy knowing that I am finally coming to terms with my own. I have bought enough work clothes, and I need to spend only the odd dollars on really gorgeous things (on sale). I have this very exciting savings plan and long term goals. How exciting, and how terribly grown up.

fairies1.jpgA tiny part of me refuses to let go. The little fairy. The little girl. Things of sweets and pinks and cottoncandy and strawberries. Of magic and unicorns and mermaids. Of stars and wishes. I don’t think I will ever let go. I don’t think I want to either. But, I think growing up is bravely handling the responsibilities and realities of life head on and yet, be able to dream and indulge in little flights of fancy. Trying to balance this two, and successfully doing so, is what it takes to give yourself the “All Grown Up” badge. And I’m hoping that I can award myself this badge in time to come. And I know, it’s not going to be easy.

But… Bring it on! :)