Life & Love.

I just had a frightening moment with myself.
Terrifying. My hair literally stood, and my heart was in my mouth.
I suddenly thought of life and the fragility of it.
The finality, the absolute finality of death.
How much we seek to achieve, our aims, dreams and ambitions.
At the end of it all, death lies in wait. A fullstop to everything we have achieved, dreamed of achieving..
What remains?
Yes, for some of us, children.. grandchildren..perhaps even great grandchildren..
But how about us?
Our body? Our mind? Where do we go?
The cynical side of me tells me that religion, reincarnation was born out of man’s fear of discontinuity. That his personal legacy and a life time’s worth of experiences can come to a sudden stop, an emptiness. To say that you shall be reincarnated seems to suggest that you shall live on, in another dimension, another world. Who really knows?

How about the world we live in?
I’m 22 and already thinking about when it will all end, and what I have left to show.
Have I been a good daughter? A good sister? A good friend? And later, a good wife or mother?
I know I have not deliberately sought out ways to hurt others.
I have not sinned, if we shall put it that way.
But I feel that I’m not cherishing life enough.
Not embracing life’s miracles…
Seconds pass us by and become minutes and hours that never come back.
Why dwell on sorrow?
It’s time to forgive, forget.. and to love.
Each second suddenly seems so precious to me.
I’m hoping that this underlying fear will disappear tonight.
The feeling is a little too overbearing and overwhelming for me.
I feel I have wasted months grieving, battling, wondering and hurting.
I don’t deserve this.
Life is too short. Time is too, too precious.
As my brother put it, 1/4 – 1/3 of my life has already passed.
Now, I’m thinking, for what’s left, only I have control over it.
I need to take control. Be happy. For moments are far too few and precious and transient.

I think my heart has opened… again.
It’s time I take back the reigns to my life.