Life & Love.

I just had a frightening moment with myself.
Terrifying. My hair literally stood, and my heart was in my mouth.
I suddenly thought of life and the fragility of it.
The finality, the absolute finality of death.
How much we seek to achieve, our aims, dreams and ambitions.
At the end of it all, death lies in wait. A fullstop to everything we have achieved, dreamed of achieving..
What remains?
Yes, for some of us, children.. grandchildren..perhaps even great grandchildren..
But how about us?
Our body? Our mind? Where do we go?
The cynical side of me tells me that religion, reincarnation was born out of man’s fear of discontinuity. That his personal legacy and a life time’s worth of experiences can come to a sudden stop, an emptiness. To say that you shall be reincarnated seems to suggest that you shall live on, in another dimension, another world. Who really knows?

How about the world we live in?
I’m 22 and already thinking about when it will all end, and what I have left to show.
Have I been a good daughter? A good sister? A good friend? And later, a good wife or mother?
I know I have not deliberately sought out ways to hurt others.
I have not sinned, if we shall put it that way.
But I feel that I’m not cherishing life enough.
Not embracing life’s miracles…
Seconds pass us by and become minutes and hours that never come back.
Why dwell on sorrow?
It’s time to forgive, forget.. and to love.
Each second suddenly seems so precious to me.
I’m hoping that this underlying fear will disappear tonight.
The feeling is a little too overbearing and overwhelming for me.
I feel I have wasted months grieving, battling, wondering and hurting.
I don’t deserve this.
Life is too short. Time is too, too precious.
As my brother put it, 1/4 – 1/3 of my life has already passed.
Now, I’m thinking, for what’s left, only I have control over it.
I need to take control. Be happy. For moments are far too few and precious and transient.

I think my heart has opened… again.
It’s time I take back the reigns to my life.


9 Responses to “Life & Love.”

  1. wellwisher Says:

    Good girl.. There’s so much more to do and so many things to see and people to meet.. So keep your head up high and go forth and do your thing !!!

  2. wellwisher: hehe yes. carpe diem! whee. i feel like life’s ambassador. uhm, well, we all start somewhere. :)

  3. the thing is I absolutely get all u are saying.. but isnt there always a part of your heart tt is shut to everything/everyone.. only tt for me.. tt part is like 70 percent of my heart *grin*

  4. hey there, been reading yr blog for sometime thru here thru raji’s block..very entertaining and stms, wad u write really hits home. keep it up! :)

  5. An open heart is a wonderful thing. I too would be incredibly sad if I lost my ability to truly feel someone else’s pain and to just empathise. No matter how much people will take your heart and rub it all over in the dirt and not give a damn how they treat i, it’s still your heart to do what you wish with and I always wish to keep it open for all the love in the world. And I wish the same for you.

  6. hippy lady Says:

    Y u never join Ms vasantham leh? u pretty what….

  7. highpriestess Says:

    D- you know, that’s about right. :) i guess there is a small little part that is shut, and more parts that close doors when you go through rough patches… hmm… but who knows? maybe something, someone might unlock those little shut doors? ;) and you’re able to let everything out. and dance around like a little mad girl. ok, that just applies to me. :P

    Kala: :) thanks girl. if my random thoughts and experiences are parallel to someone else’s, it assures me that i’m not alone. that makes me feel less of a psycho. heehee.

    Geetha: thanks love. hmm. But aren’t hearts, almost the same as feelings? Doesn’t the heart feel, and it is as susceptible to emotional hurt and trauma, and I guess shutting it is a defence mechanism. but we slowly learn to trust again, and love again, and i think it is this process that is most important, and essential to life’s learning curve.

    hippy lady: haha thanks for the compliments! i wanted to join. but then i saw the competition and was like, man… that’s an insult to my beauty, so i graciously withdrew and let them have their cake. :P okay, that was so dumb. hahahaa

  8. no no .. dun take me wrong.. I still dance ard like a mad woman and smile and laugh .. but tt is all on a small percentage of heart *grin* ..

  9. D: Oh yay! Again I’m not aloneeee! :P

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