Dear Blog..

Dear Blog,

I apologise for my long hiatus. A lot of things have happened in my life lately.
Too many events, in too little time.
And my brain is having trouble accomodating all of these new pieces of information.
On top of these unfolding of new events, memories and questions of the past arise,
like a ghostly spectre rising from the tombstones of a past long gone,
clouding the future, halting me at every single step of the way.
The hurt has subsided quite a bit, but the hypocrisy stuns me over and over.
How can one suddenly be the thickest of friends with people who once irked and irritated?
And that I had to defend?
It’s odd really.
Too odd.
How entire stories are flipped, and the best part, are believed by people who should know

better really stumps me.
I know this should be the last thing I should think about, but some things like thoughts are really hard to control.
I feel that I should make things clear, and put the evidence there in their face, but my people think it’s pointless.
That people will only believe what they want to.
So be it. It just gets under my skin. I should stop caring, really.
*Friends Back From Abroad
This I am really glad about. Three friends are back from the UK and Australia,
and although I am extremely happy that they are finally on at least the same continent as yours truly, I have not had enough time to catch up with them proper.
But whatever little time I spent was terrific.
Our little club escapade, mad dancing, little birthday gathering, sipping wine on the swing, contemplation, everything seemed so.. back at home. Normal. It’s times like these which make me feel blessed.
Thank you darlings.
*Commencement 2006
Ah. Graduated with Merit.
How my heart filled with pride. For my parents.
It was more emotional than I imagined it to be. So this was what it all came down to.
The endless slogging for PSLE.
The mugging for O’ levels.
The crashing for A’ levels.
The half-baked to ‘excellent’ Uni. assignments.
All of these came flashing back to me as I stood in the line with the rest of the graduands, awaiting my name to be called.
It was exactly how I pictured it to be.
After the ceremony, it was shutter-happy moments with two close friends who have seen me through heavy dance makeup, through mistakes and then now with my mortar board and scroll.
It really meant a great deal.
This was one day which I never gave much importance to, but then felt that perhaps, I should have.
Right after that, perfect timing, struck by the darned virus that has been going around.
Fever hit 40 degrees, and there was one moment where I had a vision.
I was a little girl, hair in two braids, and I was running around a vast, green field looking for something.
That was freaky. Anyway, I was stuck in bed for one whole week and it sucked major.
Now I have so much of work piled up, it is sickening.
But Meera being Meera is fast, and I have caught up rather well.
*Love & Life
This is proving to be extremely difficult. I am very blessed to be surrounded by people who love and care for me so much. And unconditionally.
Unfortunately, my heart refuses to open itself.
I am afraid I am huting a lot of people around me, but it has been very very difficult.
I guess I’m not ready. I know it’s expected.
But I need to stop saying stupid things.
But since I’m quite well known for having a capacity of doing exactly that, it is difficult.
I always thought that I had to look for love.
But this time round, love has found me, and yet, my heart refuses to open itself.
I just hope I don’t lose the things that I have been more than blessed to receive. But the thing is that I want to love. I don’t want to love the way I did. I deserved more than that.
I want to love unconditionally. I want to feel it in my bones. In my heart. But it is just not easy… at all.
Ahhhhhhh. Oh well.

I guess I have updated enough for myself to read months from now.
Boring mundane things, but I am done.
Toodledeeedum. Time to move.


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