Archive for April, 2006

Whirlwind of exams.

Posted in Archive - All Entries, thoughts & chaos on April 25, 2006 by meera

Wow.
I can hardly catch my breath.
Four papers over!
One last one, and it just might be the last paper I would ever have to do in NUS.
How strange.. so it all comes down to this.
My papers have been okay so far.
OKAY. I mean last Sat's paper was just terrible. I was nearly in tears. So since I didn't need to suppress any sobs or hysteria for the other three papers, I think I did OKAY.
Average.
Which is scary sicne I know the bellcurve is very influential, and that might mess things up.
SUrprisingly my essays came back really positively.
I rececived B's and above for everything, and I really thank God for that.
It's strange.
How you think you will never be able to pull through but you do.
I'm not waiting for after exams…
I will have to face reality, and the mere prospect of it… churns my stomach.

Well. A slight headache now. I need to go rest a bit.
I'm starting to question why I even bother blogging..
Hmm.

Of Blue Roses and Pink Unicorns.

Posted in Archive - All Entries, thoughts & chaos on April 22, 2006 by meera

          Today was such a terrible, terrible paper to the extent that I am not even going to talk much about it, except to say I did something that I have never done in all my semesters. I wrote half an essay, that took half an hour, and then scrapped the whole thing and started again, and for my third essay, I had only fifteen minutes. I am effing screwed. BUT. Had to cheer myself up, so went for a haircut. This saloon near my place gives fabulous hairdressing with a head/shoulder/neck massage thrown in. My hair doesn’t look too bad now, except that I feel she has thinned it too much! So that when I tie it up, it looks like a rat’s tail. I was getting all pumped up and wanted to go for a very important friend’s wedding, but my parents felt that I shouldn’t for a certain reason, afraid that any event that unfolded that may affect my exams, and that my friend would understand that. And strangely, I took a short nap and dreamt that I was at the wedding and everything went disastrous there. And coincidentally woke up late, and checked my phone. 30 missed calls. How could I have slept through 30 phone calls????? How could anyone? Realised that perhaps there was a reason, and just accepted it. I sit here feeling very guilty, and irritated at the same time, because I really, really wanted to go. So there is a general feeling of malaise and melancholy. I’m not sure whether I’m falling ill, or just feeling very unsettled.

          Yesterday was a very interesting day. A person I had met in very strange circumstances, let’s call this person, SLP (an acronym I shall explain in time to come), sent me a giant of a bouquet of blue roses, that came with a card that said, "Good Luck For Your Exams!!". And this person is currently in Australia. The delivery man stunned me, and greeted me in all my glory of a matching blue oversized T-shirt and hair falling all over my face, paired perfectly with my geek glasses perched prettily on my greasy nose. The flowers blew me away for many reasons. Firstly, they were absolutely gorgeous. Secondly, I have never gotten flowers delivered to me to my house! Never ever never. Thirdly, it really made my day. I mean the bouquet was like a few times the size of my face! (noting that I have a rather big face) The delivery man said, "Delivery for Meera?" And I was like, "Eh?". And he must have looked at me and wondered who the hell sends flowers to deranged, greasy-looking women. And he repeated himself, and I repeated, "Eh ya?". Hahahahaha. I am such an unfeminine nut. He said, "Oh okay, please sign here." Me: "Uhhhhh.. okay.". He hands over big bouquet and I close the door, come in, stare at it and laugh nervously. Hmmm. Even though it was strange, flowers always make a girl's day, don't they? I sent a thank you note and my mum insisted I called for courtesy, which I have not actually. For good reason, but well yeah. The bouquet still sits pretty on my table infront of my laptop, and I'm unsure of what to do with it. I don't want it to wilt and whither in its packaging, and my heart breaks that I may have to dismantle it so I can dry the flowers. Ahhhh. Things I worry about in the heat heart of exams.

          Well, then after that, I met my two dear boys for dinner, and had more lucky charms. A pink Unicorn stuffed toy for luck (Unicorn! Unicorn!!! How many unicorn stuffed toys do you see?? Love Unicorns… Absolutely gorgeous mythical animals.. I have always had this deep fascination and admiration for these creatures… I am digressing even within parentheses. I stun myself at times.), and a comfy baby blue sweater to keep me warm during my exams. How sweet of them. As in really. To take the effort and put in their thoughts and care into these things… Into me. sigh.

          Sometimes I feel that I really don’t deserve all these gestures of care and concern, since at times I do feel beyond redemption, but at this moment, I thank God for all his blessings. I cannot appreciate enough the people who have entered my life and made a difference, despite the muck of a situation I am in… Oh well. I really ought to go start studying. As in now, I have to absolutely study. To make up for my absolutely brilliant paper today. Perfect-o! It’s time to tango. (with Chekhov, Tennesee Williams, Beckett and Harold Pinter that is). Sigh. 

Exam time?

Posted in Archive - All Entries, thoughts & chaos on April 21, 2006 by meera

It is here. Exam fever. But it has come a little late for me. Tomorrow is my first paper. I’m not sure what exactly didn’t go right this semester. I went for all my lectures, and only missed them once, or twice, when I was sick and unable to get out of bed. I went for all my tutorials. And yet, nothing. When exams were two weeks away, I still didn’t panic or worry. How important this semester is to me. And yet… Even during my study break, I hardly got anything done. I could blame my essays and presentations which never ended till a couple of days ago, but time management has never really been my best friend, and it was not as though I had aced my essays. Infact, I am not even going to bother collecting my essays. I don’t need an ego bashing a day before exams. I seem to have no motivation. The days pass by long and slow when I do anything but study. And when I open my books, my eyelids fail to cooperate, and two scenarios arise. Either I fall promptly asleep, or I stare at the same page for an hour or two. What a mess. I don’t wish to say anything more, because really, is there anything left?

Rainy days and Metal frames.

Posted in Archive - All Entries, thoughts & chaos on April 18, 2006 by meera

The weather has been strange lately. But comfortingly strange. It is a slow, chilly day. She sits quietly, watching the rain. Warm sofas are a myth. Her fingers touch the cool fabric, and retract immediately. Her eyes glaze over the windows. Watching, but not really looking. She gets up lazily and stretches. Her skin tingling with the sudden movement and the cold gusts of air that sift through. Her body feels light, but her head is heavy. Like her heart. She presses a hand over her right breast, and closes her eyes. Taking in the smell of rain, and the coolness of her skin, feeling her heart’s little beats. How is it possible that this heart could cease to beat for the one that ever mattered to her? Impossible. She opens her eyes, and is surprised at a tear that greets her parting lips. She seems unconscious of her pain now. Her eyes glance around and involuntarily fix their gaze on a framed photograph of him. He smiles at her, arms crossed. She smiles back, and lifts his image behind the glass. Her throat tightens, and she suppresses a sob that threatens to escape. Her eyes start to well, his image now distorted with her tears that refuse to fall, seeking solace within her lids. She puts him to her chest, feeling the cool metal against her skin, and together, they fall.

I’m a big girl.

Posted in Archive - All Entries, thoughts & chaos on April 14, 2006 by meera

I'm a big big girl

in a big big world

It's not a big big thing if you leave me

but I do do feel that

I too too will miss you much

miss you much…

 

I can see the first leaf falling

it's all yellow and nice

It's so very cold outside

like the way I'm feeling inside

 

Outside it's now raining

and tears are falling from my eyes

why did it have to happen

why did it all have to end

 

I have your arms around me ooooh like fire

but when I open my eyes

you're gone…

 

I'm a big big girl

in a big big world

It's not a big big thing if you leave me

but I do do feel that

I too too will miss you much

miss you much…

-Emilia

 

Thin Ice: Shaking, shivering, where the hell am I going?

Posted in Archive - All Entries, thoughts & chaos on April 11, 2006 by meera

I wrote a bloody long post yesterday and it all got deleted. It wasn’t just the quantity, but what was written because at the end of it, I felt that I had written everything (well almost) I was feeling in my head. So at the click of a button, and you just see an error page, and at the click of the back button, you see a “New Post” page, completely wiped out of the words that you had written, it is a feeling that is so damn frustrating and sad at the same time. I’m going to try to remember and recapture what I wrote yesterday, but I know it’ll never be the same. But I’m going to try anyway.

A close friend who knows almost everything about me, from when I was a schoolbag trotting ‘cool’ Sec 1 kid to the mess I’m in now, called me yesterday and told me things that I needed to hear even though I did not want to. He vehemently claims himself to be my soulmate (since we both seem to want the same things, do the same things, and possess the same knack of messing things up and ourselves). Well, he blasted me on the phone questioning why I am ruining so many lives including mine. Now… these are things that I will only tolerate from him. Even if it was my family, I would have been absolutely defensive, but with him, all I could do was to keep quiet. I don’t know why, but as his words sunk into my head, all I felt was empty and emptier. His advice was simple, but safe. He gave me three options. And I’m still figuring it out. It sounds easy, but it is so difficult to do.And then he told me that ultimately, I was the most important to him, and he doesn’t want to see me get hurt. At this point, I was ready to burst into tears, but I kept silent. Why did he have to care about a broken little self-destructive thing like me? Why does anyone need to?

I really feel like I’m treading on thin ice. Like I’m chartering a whole new territory for myself. It is so different. And intimidating. Everything and everyone looks and feels different. I’m not sure about the ground beneath my feet. At some points, it feels like it’s rock-hard, reliable and safe… At other points (most of them), I feel that it’s like quicksand. The moment I place my feet, I feel them rapidly sinking. I am gripped with phobia and panic and I fear my head going under. With flailing arms, I try to reach out to figures around me, walking by. Some seem to notice, but aren’t quite sure what to do. Some don’t want to notice. Some notice, try to help, and don’t realize that they’ve pushed me further into the pit. In the end, I realize that it is I who pull myself up, albeit with much difficulty, but I’m still up. I’m a mess, soaked with muck, but I’m up eventually. So it kinda pisses me off when people tell me what to do when they weren’t there in the first place. Because really, no one needs to care. Which is why I try not to reach out from the start. A weakness? Well.

I guess life will not be easy when the one element your every breath depended upon was removed. But then you realize, you carried on breathing. The world didn’t stop spinning. Time did not come to a standstill. It just made breathing that much harder. Granted, there were times that you wish the breaths you take would cease so that you won’t need to feel that gaping black hole in your self. But life still goes on.

And now, I am by myself. It is quite scary. It gets intensely lonely somedays and I really feel that I can’t carry on. My mind bursting with conflicting thoughts. Yet, I am rediscovering myself (or discovering?) I was telling my mother the other day that I finally feel like I’m living the life of a 22 year old. But right after I told her that, I thought to myself.. but would this security and stableness be what I need in three to five years time? I see the brevity of life. Having to do what you want to do, at the same time having to carefully balancing what you need to do essentially for survival.

It is this balance I am having trouble with. My friend calls me a through-and-through Arts student, suffering with the crisis of passion and survival, dreams and reality. But I am sure there are lots going through this 20-something crisis. Just that perhaps my head is in the clouds most of the time, and more often than most people. After graduation I am going to be chucked out there in the working world. Something I am not looking forward to. Can’t I just be a student and worry only about assignments and lectures and presentations without needing to worry about my next meal and a shelter over my head?

I digress. I don’t know what I want. I have even lost the concept of love.The word sounds too abstract. With me and him, no one really knew much. We were so private, that even if everything looked happy and dandy on the outside, it was a storm in a teacup. The highs we had were really out of this world, while the lows scraped the pits of hell. The relationship was intense. Too intense at times where it felt abnormal. While yes, it was three years, there has to be a resolution to the recent events that unfolded in the light of our end. Why? How? Why now? But seems as though these questions will go unanswered. But does it really matter now? My ability to trust has plummeted. Other than my family, there was only one person I trusted with my heart and soul, and right now, everything’s gone.

Did I mention about the lonely feeling that sucks you in?
Like a cold, dark vacuum.
With slimy walls and sharp jagged edges.
Jelly ground that hardens from time to time.
Air that makes your breathing sharp and painful.
Does it matter when you know that you’re going to sink anyway?

This has to be it: Men’s Universal Pledge

Posted in Archive - All Entries, Prose & Poetry, thoughts & chaos on April 10, 2006 by meera

 

Pre-Script: No offence to any nation which has a similar pledge (if it has one at all.) Completely tongue-in-cheek and dedicated to all (most) men lurking in the shadows of the world. Especially infantile men, who still have egos the size of China, and boys who have multiple sexual partners, at the risk of contracting STDs and crabs, and affectiontely term themselves, “Playas” for short. I think I have found the Pledge that men swear by, because if it is not, understanding you is impossible.:

 

“We, the men of the universe,
pledge ourselves as one united body of trouble,
regardless of age, race, language or religion (and nation),
to build screwed up relationships,
based on lies, sex and violence,
so as to achieve copulation, inflated egos and
progress for our crotches.”

-Highpriestess 2006.