vulnerability.

i hate this. i hate being vulnerable. why do i always find myself in this position? why do i always have to be so dependent on someone? i feel like a closet vampiress. a sly and quiet one. a charming one. that the moment i lose my feed, i need more and more to sustain myself. to sustain my sanity. i hate being used up. it tires me. it exhausts me. yet i give and give and give. why do i do this?

why now? in my last year? why have so many things happened in my last semester in school? i have been waiting so long for my graduating semester. it's finally here and its wrought with problems. from being overwhelmed with work to being suffocated by emotions. i misjudged myself. i thought i was stronger than i was. i thought nothing will come between me and my goals. but i could not have been further from the truth.

it is painful. and it hurts. it wrecks my insides. i cannot eat. i cannot sleep. and when i do, i dont want to wake up. i see his face. his face. and i dont like it. i dont like it at all. it pains me. the realisation of my stupidity pains me. what do i want? what does he want? why do everything and then step back and think? we should have thought about this a long time ago. too long a time has passed. and now…

i am confused.

thoroughly.

i am blessed, however, for the few people who have no idea how they manage to keep my shred of sanity intact. these are the people i have met up with. and with each hug, let me know that i'm still alive. thank you.

p.s: karthiku, you're a damn big sweetheart. thank you very much. you owe me two songs. i wont mention it. and dont give me excuses about your lab report. thank you for the wonderful evening, it was really really really sweet of you. *huggggg*

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3 Responses to “vulnerability.”

  1. Anantya Says:

    Hey ma. As hard as it is, you have to be strong. You have to try and clear your head, just so you don’t pay for it with your semester. it’ll be really hard, and very emotionally draining. but you’re a strong girl, and you have tonnes and tonnes of people ard you who love you. pray and stick it through ok.

    love you babe. will have you in my prayers.

    *hugs*
    akka

  2. Sorry to hear about your probs…hope everything gets brighter & better….

  3. akka: thanks loads… it is emotionally draining, but i\’m sure i will get through it. just that it has been a little tougher this time round. *hug* i love you.

    nats: thanks dear. i\’m sure it will. *hug* :)

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