That Familiar Melancholy.

When I woke up today, I was flooded with a feeling that I felt quite some time back.
It had nothing to do with emotions.
It was more of an emptiness.
Maybe it was the weather.
It seemed like the day could not decide if it was morning or afternoon, perhaps, trapped between the two.
It was bright, but dulled by dirty ivory clouds.
It smelled as if it had just rained. Or actually, as though, it was going to rain.
Rain. And it’s fragrance. This time,  a little, undecided.
And it was familiar. Too familiar.
It was not a feeling of emptiness.
It was not even that.
It lacked even emptiness.
Escaping labels.

I didn’t feel like eating, but ate anyway.
I couldn’t keep still.
How strange. How familiar. How strangely familiar.
It’s a good thing I have things to occupy myself with.
I am working on a beaded necklace project, which I suspect is going to take me some time. Finally, after 4 years, got myself a Jewellery Making Pliers set from Spotlight. And then I’m into Book 3 of Lemony Snickett’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. And then of course there is my little secret project which I just can’t seem to draw inspiration for. I think I have to stop thinking too much about thinking.

Melancholy. Melancholy. Melancholy.

Worrying about Worrying.

For the last 48 hours, the Highpriestess has been surviving on just one hour of sleep.
Yes, one little, precious hour of sleep.
Yesterday, for the first time, I thought I was screwed. I was even having visuals of my folks at work saying, “I’m sorry. We have to let you go.”
I was paralysed with fear. I slept at 1 plus. Woke up at 10 minute intervals. With an old black and white Indian film running on the television. Without my spectacles, everytime my eyelids opened, I would see a blur of grey and white and I would shut my eyes again. Hoping and praying that the Sandman will spill his crystals onto my eyelids and take me away to slumberland. But no. At three sharp in the morning, I woke up. I felt stricken with panic and fear and everything else quite unnecessary at three a.m. in the morning. Especially when my transport was going to arrive in 3.5 hours.

A little boy tried to calm me down and I finally panicked enough and exhausted myself, and knocked off at 4.30 a.m. Yes, one hour. One precious little hour. I have something very important tomorrow but am feeling very unprepared and unsettled about it. Although I just had a private conversation with the Gods’ and Goddesses’, I’m still feeling a little.. well, spaced out. I’m just going to trust in myself and in any greater design that has been planned for me (although I’m aware I still have some control over it, oh well, I wouldn’t know.) I’m off to bed now. And yes, congratulations to Drinkboy. I knew you’d make it.

Misplaced Arrows.

Communication breakdown.
With the most important person of her life.
The signboards slip and let loose,
dangerously hanging on their rusty hinges.
At the crossroads, standing there alone.

Wondering which arrow,
Points where,
That is true.

Time Machine.

I wish I had the key.
A golden key, that winds back time.
The delicate clockwork, that will stop with a click
And then slowly tick back.

I will watch, with quiet amazement
The past year of my life
Images of love and pain, laughter and tears
Of dark clouds and stinging memories

There will be doors that close and open
People who walk out and in
My life like a little storm
Bad weather- with tiny rainbows that show themselves

If I had the key, I will go back to the time
Where my breath got knocked out of me
Where my nights and days merged
And days became weeks that became months

I will stand there, strong and slow
Take each little piece and blow the dust
Piece it back to what used to be me
And sew up the burst seam that tore when I did

Very quickly and cleverly, I will do what I said
My life would be smooth, quiet and neat.
But alas, I have neither key, nor a strong heart
And its time now to….

Of demons, the future and pleasure.

I’m sure the title caught your attention, but I’m sorry to inform that they aren’t really linked and this is not going to be one of those interesting posts. Well, they might be linked, but not explicitly, but oh well. Here I start to rant.

I finally faced my demons yesteray. It was very emotional and heart-wrenching but I did.
It felt like a dam holding back years and years of filth and guilt and unhappiness were released. My shoulders feel so much lighter, my soul feels so much cleaner, I suddenly feel like a child again. :) (when does that not happen with me, really?) But yes, it was over and done. And finally, I can face the future with not a single burden on my back.

I’m feeling very queasy about my first day at work. A huge corporation. Years of establishment. An epic-sized modus operandi. And me. A fresh graduate. With little work experience, finally facing the world. The corporate world. Where we work. Where we donate to a charity either voluntarily or unvoluntarily through CPF. Where we are forced to save in our little CPFs. Where we have colleagues- the niceties and the not-so-niceties. The diplomacy. The efficiency. The politics of the working world finally descends upon me, and I feel that I have over-prepared myself so much and convinced myself so much that the working world is throughly evil and life-sucking, that I have successfully terrified myself. Thus, the first day awaits. A mere four days away. I am terrified of so many things. I’m terrified of not fitting in. Of making mistakes. Of lone lunch-breaks. But most of all, I’m terrified of losing myself. I am terrified. But in a corner of my heart, I know I’ll be fine. I always will find a way to be myself without compromising important things. I guess it’s just the nervousness of embarking on a new chapter of one’s life.

That aside, I’m going for a much needed holiday tomorrow with my family. I’m really excited and I totally need some sun, sea and sand before I start work. Completely refresh and rejuvenate myself. Whee! Can’t wait to play with the sand between my toes and watch the sunsets and the sparkling blue water. I am feeling most excited! Nature and the beach in all it’s glory. Resort, here I come!!!

P.S: A significant date passed me by a few days ago. I did not forget, of course. But the significant thing was how I thought of you just once, with my usual mild amusement, and carried on watching Happy Feet. (just too cute, really. argh.) Mumble mumble mumble!