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Little Dark World.

The world is a dark place.
Every single person seems to hold a dark secret in the depths of their being.
But there are some things are far worse that secrets.
People who do strange things. Shameful things. Knowingly.
Some things in the world that we believe happen only on film.

But they pretend.
Pretend that they are entitled to do that.
Pretend that it’s their display of inner individuality.
Pretend that they are ‘mistakes’ to learn from.
And worst of all, they pretend that it is right.
That it is good for them.
And pretend that the shame they feel does not exist.
And ignore their conscience gnawing at them, their soul slowly being eaten away.
It’s strange. How these people could be around you right this very second.

But alas, life as we know it, is often stranger than fiction.

Growing Up

Firstly, thank you all for all your comments. I am indeed blessed. My dear friends who worked themselves up into a worry over my puzzling entries. You know what you all are? Rock solid. That’s what you all are. Rock solid and unwavering and I love all of you so, so much. Thank you. What follows is a rather lengthy reflection of my life and certain points of self-realisation that I have to do for myself.

Just experienced a little rollercoaster ride in my personal life, but I am happy to report that it is back on track.
Something has been happening lately. It’s not the physiological changes like the appearance of a few strands of white hair, or my expanding waistline or the transformation of my upper arms to turkey flab that moves like jelly when I wave over-enthusiastically. It is more emotional. And more mental. I think I am wanting to settle down. I want some stability. I don’t want to be angsty or angry or emotionally wrecked. I just want to be.. settled. Not static, but just settled. I’m thinking it’s part of growing up, but the strange thing is that it seems to have happened overnight. Well, perhaps, I have been changing gradually but the realisation of it just hit me.

A few things happened over the week that made me realise how far I have come as a person. Compromises, sacrifices, negotiation, a calm-head, tantrum-freedom. I have finally understood the importance of all of these. I have put up with things I would have not put  up with. I try to rationalise. And most importantly, I try to mend and heal and change. Changing one’s self is not an easy thing. To look yourself in the mirror with a very harsh and self-critical eye is something that not all of us can do. And even if we did, it is much easier to dismiss those thoughts and get back to our humdrum lives. I’m not talking about pessimism or self-defeating negative thoughts, but things that you know you can change for yourself, that you can change for the better.

As I grew up, I have constantly heard my parents chide me for being stubborn. It’s probably the one word that I have heard most through my childhood, and even now on occasion. And it is true. I am quite hard-headed and obstinate. I wish to think it’s a trait I have inherited from my dad, and I know it is quite true. Why, even my mother has a vein of obstinance. Very often, I catch glimpses of my father in myself. And this is what I believe is self-realisation. I get upset with my father for precisely the same things that he gets upset with me. Well. I digress. Over the past two months, I realised what I wanted in my life, and I want it to work, and I have been putting in effort to make it work. Even if it means compromise or sacrifices or huge doses of understanding. The first signs of maturity.

The next. Today, I received a letter from CPF, informing me of repaying my Education loan back to my parents’ CPF account. For those who are not familiar with this, the average Singaporean student can use his parents’ CPF to pay for his tertiary education first. It is a loan, and a year after you graduate (can you imagine, it has been a whole year since I received the scroll and mortar board) CPF sends you the abovementioned letter reminding you of your loan and instructing you on GIRO proceedings. The parents’ can opt to waive the payment, but even then, I would not allow that. Firstly, nothing beats the feeling of having paid for your own education. Secondly, the money is theirs. Thirdly, no amount of money is going to repay the years of love, support and understanding that my parents have put into building this family. The monthly repayment is not exactly a huge sum of money, but it is still a significant figure (you will understand if you have just started your career at entry level). 

At first, I grumbled, having to deal with this loan months into getting my fixed salary. But hey, this is merely a snapshot of what is to come. The car, the house, the furniture, the gadgets… etc etc. It is frightening, but this is life. The thing that amazes me is that I am actually coming to terms with it, coming to full acceptance. A year back, I would have flown to Fairyland with my sparkling wings and would refuse to come back. But now? I’m trying to see how I can manage my finances better.

I think I have had a whale of a time with my pay the past few months with not much commitment on my hands. It is a completely different feeling to have your own hard-earned money to spend, and I enjoyed that freedom. But now comes responsibility, and as harsh as reality is, I feel happy knowing that I am finally coming to terms with my own. I have bought enough work clothes, and I need to spend only the odd dollars on really gorgeous things (on sale). I have this very exciting savings plan and long term goals. How exciting, and how terribly grown up.

A tiny part of me refuses to let go. The little fairy. The little girl. Things of sweets and pinks and cottoncandy and strawberries. Of magic and unicorns and mermaids. Of stars and wishes. I don’t think I will ever let go. I don’t think I want to either. But, I think growing up is bravely handling the responsibilities and realities of life head on and yet, be able to dream and indulge in little flights of fancy. Trying to balance this two, and successfully doing so, is what it takes to give yourself the “All Grown Up” badge. And I’m hoping that I can award myself this badge in time to come. And I know, it’s not going to be easy.

But… Bring it on! :)

That Familiar Melancholy.

When I woke up today, I was flooded with a feeling that I felt quite some time back.
It had nothing to do with emotions.
It was more of an emptiness.
Maybe it was the weather.
It seemed like the day could not decide if it was morning or afternoon, perhaps, trapped between the two.
It was bright, but dulled by dirty ivory clouds.
It smelled as if it had just rained. Or actually, as though, it was going to rain.
Rain. And it’s fragrance. This time,  a little, undecided.
And it was familiar. Too familiar.
It was not a feeling of emptiness.
It was not even that.
It lacked even emptiness.
Escaping labels.

I didn’t feel like eating, but ate anyway.
I couldn’t keep still.
How strange. How familiar. How strangely familiar.
It’s a good thing I have things to occupy myself with.
I am working on a beaded necklace project, which I suspect is going to take me some time. Finally, after 4 years, got myself a Jewellery Making Pliers set from Spotlight. And then I’m into Book 3 of Lemony Snickett’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. And then of course there is my little secret project which I just can’t seem to draw inspiration for. I think I have to stop thinking too much about thinking.

Melancholy. Melancholy. Melancholy.

Work Sweet Work.

 

I must be a nerd. I must be a real nerd. I must really be a real nerd.
I like work. I look forward to it everyday. I count my blessings. I am lucky. Of course, on occasion, I sit there wondering if it was for this that I studied and enjoyed poring through libraries of literature texts for three years. Is this what I see myself doing years from now? I don’t know. Honestly, not really. But it’s too early to tell, isn’t it? I like my job, my work place, my colleagues. My boss just came back from a vacation in US, and got me super stylish chrome earrings and a bottle of Calvin Klein perfume. How cool.

I’m feeling a little bummed because the next few days are going to be a little hectic, and not very routine. Work ends a little early tomorrow because we have our annual Dinner & Dance. Somehow, it all sounds very auntish-unclish, but, well yes. So we knock off early, but since I live on the other side of the planet, I have to rush off and change and then meet my colleague who insisted on fixing me up with her Estee Lauder beautician. So we’ll be doing our make up together tomorrow. She is really on. But well, I’m not complaining. She is one of the best colleagues anyone can have. Really nurturing and patient and funny. And a foodie and a health freak, and yes, gives me Estee Lauder makeup appts. :P I probably would be more enthusiastic about this whole dinner and dance if I didn’t have a huge pimple emerging smack from the center of my forehead. It’s just that everything’s going to be really rushed from tomorrow. So after work, have to rush back home. :( And the next day, I don’t have the luxury of being chartered to work. I have a six day course to attend, on another part of the island, and have yet to figure out how I’m going to drag my slumber-struck body there every morning. :( Grumble. Grumble. Grumble.

Well. Time to go raid my wardrobe again. My dress sense has deteriorated. (just for the record, drinkboy had to remind me how this word was spelt.) *bangs forehead on wall*

Farethee well, my faceless friends! (and the faced ones) (and the defaced ones) HAHAHAH my humour stuns me, occasionally. okay, i’m off!!!