I want to stop working.
I want to study again.
I want to study and learn new things.
I want to read and read and read.
I want to do English Literature all over again.
I want to go into Interior Design.
I want to experiment with Fashion Design.
I want to go into Media.
I want to go back and live in Hougang.
I want to wait for the school bus and pluck small Kalamansi fruits from the bushes.
I want to know what I want.
Figure it all out.
I laugh a little as I re-read the title of this post. I am working, and I am single, but it just doesn’t seem true. I don’t consider my job as a career, although I certainly am single. It is strange how fast time flies. I have been without a Significant Other for the past nearly eight months. I say it as though it is a big deal. It definitely is for me, given the fact that I was not without one for about 3.5 years. And although I thought I would never see the light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel, I had not too long ago arrived at the realisation that I have never been better off. And I only have the Goddess to thank for it. It is refreshing to finally see the light in my life. No one to report to (now you realise that there is actually no need for reporting), no lies being showered on your head, an immense refreshing of self-respect and respect for your family. Trust and love. The fresh air, the beauty, the love and the way it is supposed to be. Trust me, there are ways that things are supposed to be. They follow the natural law, and your instinct will know it. The moment something feels off, whether it is in your career/academic pursuits/relationships/family, it is because something is not the way it is supposed to be. And many a time, we defiantly choose to ignore our gut feeling, which in retrospect will be a terrible thing to do.
I do not consider my present job as a career, because it seems very soul-less. I wish I was driven by money. Instead, like many sorry cases, I’m driven by ideals and passion. I know a man who is blessed enough to have had the fortune of pursuing his passion as a career, and through him, I have realised what passion truly is. It is living it. Breathing it. Thinking about it. Day & Night. Deriving an acute pleasure by simply talking about it- be it a light-hearted chat, or an indepth technical discussion. I look at him and wonder what my passion is, where my heart lies.
The only thing that seems to come to my mind is Literature. While many were read Fairytales as children, my mother fed me on Shakespeare as I grew up. Although I did not understand much, as a three year old child listening to the abridged version of Shakespeare, I was fascinated by the musical-sounding names- Shylock, Verona, Macbeth, Othello, Juliet. I was intrigued by this old English- Thou, Thee, Wherefore. Simplistic pleasures. As I grew older, the only lesson that I looked forward to was Literature. The only subject I aced was Literature. How do I make this a career? Sometimes I think a lot, but do very little.
On the romance front, for those little curious cats, I’ll make this clear. (I’m having a Siti Nurhaliza-announcing-to-the-world-her-wedding-to-a-divorced-man-nearly-twice-her-age-and-with-four-kids moment.) I am seeing someone (duh), however, however, nothing is official yet. We are not getting married. We do not have a house. We do not have a joint bank account. So far, the most committed thing we have done is to spend a truly amazing time at WOMAD together, with some of my most amazing friends.
It’s funny how you tell yourself that there is no way you can love again. And then when the time comes, you find it so hard to let go of that self-made promise, and stubbornly hold on to your heart, although you know intuitively deep inside that this has to be right. There will come a time where I will tell you about this man, who has made a significantly positive difference in my life. The only thing I am qualified to say now is that I am immensely blessed to have met him. The rest my dears, is another story for another day. :)
P.S: Susana Baca’s voice is breath-taking. Her band was excellent. What a lovely night, it was. My first WOMAD! Yay! Honestly, every one has to attend at least one WOMAD event in their lives. Jimmy Cliff was fantastic. He got everyone, at least a 1000 dancers and non-dancers in the audience on their feet. He converted two left feet to twinkle toes as everyone grooved to his Jamaican beat. Amazing. Still reeling in its afterglow. :) Good thing I got the CD to keep reliving the music. :P
Sometimes you do certain things that need no reason.
It could be a sudden smile, a little giggle.
It could be the time when your heart broke,
the dams of your eyes released,
and you can’t stop crying, you can’t stop sobbing deeply from your heart,
and you hear little pained groans from yourself.
You feel almost insane, your heart is heavy and your face feels all banged up,
from all that crying.
And then you catch your reflection in the mirror.
And you pause. You may even smile.
And you notice suddenly how your tear-streaked face looks like it’s glowing,
moist.
You notice how thick your eyelashes are, and the way your hair falls.
You notice things about your face, about yourself that you have never noticed before.
You notice that your face actually has glimpses of beauty.
That, you’ve been too busy to stop and notice.
Strange.
#1- I have been a little busy with a few things and hence the tiny hiatus. One is work and the other is uhm…sleep? heehee
#2- I have taken up a new albeit a little pricey hobby. Scrapbooking. I just realised that there is a name to what I have been doing randomly over the years. Just that at that time, I was picking literally scrap material that I find around the house and save to put it inside my book, such as bouquet wrapping, used gift wraps, beautiful cards. And now that I have discovered shops that are dedicated to this hobby and the availability of all scrap materials, I feel the need to indulge and buy those beautiful, beautiful materials. The downside to this I suppose is that it limits your creativity to a certain extent. I’m on a family scrapbook project now, which is going to take some time to complete, perhaps when I get the time I shall scan a page in and upload it here.
#3- Last Saturday, I had the privilege of attending the Indian Music Extravaganza, Rhythm Kollywood, and had very good seats at that. I went mainly for Shankar Mahadevan. But I was pleasantly surprised by A.R. Rahman’s drummer, Sivamani, being a part of the band. He is excellent. God’s gift to drums I tell you. He had a 15 minute solo that was nothing short of breath-taking. Others who made my day were Srinivas who has such a bubbly personality on stage, Tippu who has the typical villager-dance-aka Vijay voice, Chitra and Harini (both of these ladies who have such lovely, lovely, lovely voices. The lady who sang the famous Raa Raa. And host Vivek’s whackiness coupled with Ramyakrishnan’s gorgeous sarees. I’m not a fan of such shows, but Shankar Mahadevan was just too good to pass up. And I’m mighty glad I went.
#4- I was treated to my first proper manicure at Plaza Singapura. Yay! Nice, well-shaped, painted fingernails!
#5- I have to walk my dog now. Which is nothing much of a great point, but yes. toodles!
P.S: I must admit that me starting scrapbooking proper was borne out of the fear of losing memories. It is a great way to store and cherish each and every memory, and every person who is cherished and held dear. And I don’t think it’s a housewifey thing either. ;) Isn’t it a little scary to lose your memory? I read in the papers of this comatose lady who gave birth. She is surviving only through a tube in her stomach. Does she remember anything? Does she feel anything? Does she know? Frightening, really. Now what does this comatose lady have anything to do with scrapbooking. Nothing really. Just because. Pardon me, it was the ‘memory’ train of thought!!
I just had a frightening moment with myself.
Terrifying. My hair literally stood, and my heart was in my mouth.
I suddenly thought of life and the fragility of it.
The finality, the absolute finality of death.
How much we seek to achieve, our aims, dreams and ambitions.
At the end of it all, death lies in wait. A fullstop to everything we have achieved, dreamed of achieving..
What remains?
Yes, for some of us, children.. grandchildren..perhaps even great grandchildren..
But how about us?
Our body? Our mind? Where do we go?
The cynical side of me tells me that religion, reincarnation was born out of man’s fear of discontinuity. That his personal legacy and a life time’s worth of experiences can come to a sudden stop, an emptiness. To say that you shall be reincarnated seems to suggest that you shall live on, in another dimension, another world. Who really knows?
How about the world we live in?
I’m 22 and already thinking about when it will all end, and what I have left to show.
Have I been a good daughter? A good sister? A good friend? And later, a good wife or mother?
I know I have not deliberately sought out ways to hurt others.
I have not sinned, if we shall put it that way.
But I feel that I’m not cherishing life enough.
Not embracing life’s miracles…
Seconds pass us by and become minutes and hours that never come back.
Why dwell on sorrow?
It’s time to forgive, forget.. and to love.
Each second suddenly seems so precious to me.
I’m hoping that this underlying fear will disappear tonight.
The feeling is a little too overbearing and overwhelming for me.
I feel I have wasted months grieving, battling, wondering and hurting.
I don’t deserve this.
Life is too short. Time is too, too precious.
As my brother put it, 1/4 – 1/3 of my life has already passed.
Now, I’m thinking, for what’s left, only I have control over it.
I need to take control. Be happy. For moments are far too few and precious and transient.
I think my heart has opened… again.
It’s time I take back the reigns to my life.
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