I wrote a bloody long post yesterday and it all got deleted. It wasn’t just the quantity, but what was written because at the end of it, I felt that I had written everything (well almost) I was feeling in my head. So at the click of a button, and you just see an error page, and at the click of the back button, you see a “New Post” page, completely wiped out of the words that you had written, it is a feeling that is so damn frustrating and sad at the same time. I’m going to try to remember and recapture what I wrote yesterday, but I know it’ll never be the same. But I’m going to try anyway.
A close friend who knows almost everything about me, from when I was a schoolbag trotting ‘cool’ Sec 1 kid to the mess I’m in now, called me yesterday and told me things that I needed to hear even though I did not want to. He vehemently claims himself to be my soulmate (since we both seem to want the same things, do the same things, and possess the same knack of messing things up and ourselves). Well, he blasted me on the phone questioning why I am ruining so many lives including mine. Now… these are things that I will only tolerate from him. Even if it was my family, I would have been absolutely defensive, but with him, all I could do was to keep quiet. I don’t know why, but as his words sunk into my head, all I felt was empty and emptier. His advice was simple, but safe. He gave me three options. And I’m still figuring it out. It sounds easy, but it is so difficult to do.And then he told me that ultimately, I was the most important to him, and he doesn’t want to see me get hurt. At this point, I was ready to burst into tears, but I kept silent. Why did he have to care about a broken little self-destructive thing like me? Why does anyone need to?
I really feel like I’m treading on thin ice. Like I’m chartering a whole new territory for myself. It is so different. And intimidating. Everything and everyone looks and feels different. I’m not sure about the ground beneath my feet. At some points, it feels like it’s rock-hard, reliable and safe… At other points (most of them), I feel that it’s like quicksand. The moment I place my feet, I feel them rapidly sinking. I am gripped with phobia and panic and I fear my head going under. With flailing arms, I try to reach out to figures around me, walking by. Some seem to notice, but aren’t quite sure what to do. Some don’t want to notice. Some notice, try to help, and don’t realize that they’ve pushed me further into the pit. In the end, I realize that it is I who pull myself up, albeit with much difficulty, but I’m still up. I’m a mess, soaked with muck, but I’m up eventually. So it kinda pisses me off when people tell me what to do when they weren’t there in the first place. Because really, no one needs to care. Which is why I try not to reach out from the start. A weakness? Well.
I guess life will not be easy when the one element your every breath depended upon was removed. But then you realize, you carried on breathing. The world didn’t stop spinning. Time did not come to a standstill. It just made breathing that much harder. Granted, there were times that you wish the breaths you take would cease so that you won’t need to feel that gaping black hole in your self. But life still goes on.
And now, I am by myself. It is quite scary. It gets intensely lonely somedays and I really feel that I can’t carry on. My mind bursting with conflicting thoughts. Yet, I am rediscovering myself (or discovering?) I was telling my mother the other day that I finally feel like I’m living the life of a 22 year old. But right after I told her that, I thought to myself.. but would this security and stableness be what I need in three to five years time? I see the brevity of life. Having to do what you want to do, at the same time having to carefully balancing what you need to do essentially for survival.
It is this balance I am having trouble with. My friend calls me a through-and-through Arts student, suffering with the crisis of passion and survival, dreams and reality. But I am sure there are lots going through this 20-something crisis. Just that perhaps my head is in the clouds most of the time, and more often than most people. After graduation I am going to be chucked out there in the working world. Something I am not looking forward to. Can’t I just be a student and worry only about assignments and lectures and presentations without needing to worry about my next meal and a shelter over my head?
I digress. I don’t know what I want. I have even lost the concept of love.The word sounds too abstract. With me and him, no one really knew much. We were so private, that even if everything looked happy and dandy on the outside, it was a storm in a teacup. The highs we had were really out of this world, while the lows scraped the pits of hell. The relationship was intense. Too intense at times where it felt abnormal. While yes, it was three years, there has to be a resolution to the recent events that unfolded in the light of our end. Why? How? Why now? But seems as though these questions will go unanswered. But does it really matter now? My ability to trust has plummeted. Other than my family, there was only one person I trusted with my heart and soul, and right now, everything’s gone.
Did I mention about the lonely feeling that sucks you in?
Like a cold, dark vacuum.
With slimy walls and sharp jagged edges.
Jelly ground that hardens from time to time.
Air that makes your breathing sharp and painful.
Does it matter when you know that you’re going to sink anyway?
